TASTY AF

Sorry for taking so long to post again, but I've been doing a lot of soul searching, and I think it's time to be honest with myself and whatever readers remain. I'm not really into games anymore. Playing them? Don't have the time or the fellow players. Creating or redesigning them? Don't have the energy, or even any good ideas left. Writing about them seems like an exercise in pointless deception and arrogant denial.

Instead, I'm going to rework this blog to cover my other, remaining true passion: cooking and catering with lesser-known and underrated recipes from vintage mid-20th Century cookbooks. In this post, I will teach you how to prepare an old-timey favorite of the Stewart household, courtesy of my prized hand-me-down copy of Golly Gee Ain't That the Whizz-Bangiest! Neato Modern Recipies to Impress at Any How-Do-You-Do, First Edition, by Ivana E. Tadoudi.

On a relatively cold Orlando night in 1993, my Gram-Gram led me deep into the everglades under the full moon while my parents slept. With a crooked finger she pointed out a WWII-era footlocker secreted beneath a half-sunken tree stump, chained shut as if to keep some vicious animal inside. As snakes swam around my ankles, Gram-Gram's arthritis-ravaged hands fished around in her Disney leather clutch until she produced a polished iron key.

"There lies your inheritance, JJ. I hid it away when the Beatles came to our shores, tried to deny the fourteen years of hedonistic horrors it used me to unleash on unsuspecting bridge clubs and bingo halls and barbeques and...oh lord, oh sweet merciful mother of God, the PTA meetings..."

She spit something black and ropey into the reeds through a gap in her broken dentures, then stared at the uncaring sky for a long moment before handing me the key and continuing,

"I hid it in your Grandpappy's war chest, waiting for you to be born, to come of age. Now it falls on you to resurrect it, to force helping after helping of pure, unnatural sin down the throat of mankind until Mammon himself chokes on the blood of a billion billion sinners."

Inside the locker was my copy of Golly Gee Ain't That the Whizz-Bangiest! From that night on, it's been a favorite family tradition for me to fix this delicious casserole every Fourth of July. Now you too can savor this patriotic flavor!

Without further ado, here's how to make:

Freedom Surprise Casserole

Serves 9 People

Ingredients:

• 16 packets of extra-dense lime gelatin mix
• Substitution: 3 lbs. calf's foot jelly and 44 tablespoons of lime pulp
• 7.25 oz. macaroni
• 10 cups beef au jus
• 3½ lbs. fresh salmon
• Substitution: 7 lbs. tilapia
• 64 Kraft Deluxe Process Slices
• 6 teaspoons olive oil
• 12 pints bourbon
• 18 pie crusts
• 2 cantaloupe
• Substitution: 1 honeydew and 4 bananas
• 9 hardboiled eggs
• 8 grams sesame seeds
• 5 quarts mayonnaise
• NEVER SUBSTITUTE WITH MIRACLE WHIP!
• Ground pepper added to taste

Steps:

1. Mix beef au jus and bourbon. Soak hardboiled eggs and macaroni in mixture overnight.
2. Remove hardboiled eggs. Boil macaroni in bourbon/au jus mixture until al dente. Separate macaroni from mixture and set both aside.
3. Lightly sauté salmon, olive oil, 1 cantaloupe, and sesame seeds until smoke alarm is activated.
4. Arrange pie crusts on 6-inch-deep tray in overlapping manner to create a pie bowl. Pour macaroni, salmon, olive oil, first cantaloupe, and 7 grams sesame seeds into pie bowl.
5. Bake pie bowl in oven for 15 minutes at 350 degrees. Cool in refrigerator for 45 minutes.
6. Cut second cantaloupe into thin strips and soak in bourbon/au jus mixture while pie bowl cools.
7. While food is cooling, smoke 1 to 4 Lucky Strikes or Chesterfields and allow soupçon of ash to fall into bourbon/au jus mixture, or lightly dust hardboiled eggs as desired.
8. Remove pie bowl from refrigerator and cover contents in layer of mayonnaise, followed by layer of cantaloupe strips. Arrange hardboiled eggs on top in radially symmetrical pattern.
9. Suspend pie bowl and contents in ring-shaped lime gelatin structure. If you don't know how to do this, consult your nearest suburban housewife.
10. Use curling iron to slightly melt Kraft Deluxe Process Slices. Cover gelatin with Kraft Deluxe Process Slices. Sprinkle pepper and remaining gram of sesame seeds onto Kraft Deluxe Process Slices while still warm.
11. Place container of bourbon/au jus mixture in center of gelatin ring structure for dipping or for use as a convenient ashtray. Serve and enjoy!

Excerpt from the introduction to Golly Gee Ain't That the Whizz-Bangiest!

I hope you've enjoyed the first of many classy culinary classics soon to be hosted here at my newly revamped blog:

Pictures courtesy of https://deathgenerator.com/#familyfeud
and https://deathgenerator.com/#aitd

Special thanks to my friend Aubrey for inspiration.