Thursday, October 6, 2016

Annoyoid - Monster for OSR


(Some inspiration.)

They're basically those one-eyed little fuckers from Dark Castle (called "mutants" in the original game, apparently). They stand about two or three feet high. Each one has a single, cyclops-style eye, white gloves, little sequined boots, and a tendency to go "nya nya nya" all the time despite having no visible mouths. Other than humming a few notes from Bach's Toccata and Fugue in D Minor, they don't seem to make any vocalizations besides the "nya nya nya nya nya" thing, which they do almost constantly, and a variety of occasional nonsense noises unique to individual specimens.

Their round bodies tend to be various shades of yellow, green, or blue, while their arms and legs either match their bodies or sport colors from anywhere on the spectrum of normal human skin tones. Irises are any color of the rainbow. They're kind of like asshole Skittles. Despite their garish colors, they're pretty stealthy when they want to be. Unfortunately, they don't seem to want to be stealthy often - NYA NYA NYA NYA NYA NYA NYA.

They're not even useful when you kill them. Their flesh is rubbery, practically inedible, and has no nutritional value. Their flesh is mostly a continuous, flabby mass, devoid of tendons that could be used as string or bladders to serve as bags or fur to make into a blanket or teeth and bones to fashion into tools. They're not particularly flammable, so they don't make great fuel. Those boots and gloves? Part of their bodies, and once they die the boots and gloves turn out to be shabby and rapidly fall apart. Instead of blood, annoyoids are just fucking filled with glitter that just fucking gets fucking everywhere.

And they come in groups (of probably no less than 3 annoyoids, and usually more like 30), generally avoid direct confrontation, throw rocks and detritus with painful accuracy when they do engage in combat, keep coming back if you merely drive them away instead of murdering their stupid little faces, and don't SHUT UP!

Their shit-filled, Mischievous & Malignant candy-like bodies can hardly contain their constant, petty evil. Constant and petty are the key words here. Here's some of their typical bullshit:

  • If you're camping in the woods, they'll wait until you're just about to go to sleep, stand behind some trees at the edge of your camp, and start going "Nya nya nya." It's practically impossible to sleep while they do this. If you try to attack them or chase them away, they'll flee and come back later when you're about to fall asleep again. If you're persistent, or if you actually manage to injure one, some of them will let you chase them far away from camp while others circle around behind you or set up ambushes, at which point they will pelt you with thrown rocks and pine cones and animal dung and clumps of moss and maybe some gear they swiped from your camp while you were gone. Good luck sleeping long enough to get any spells or HP back tonight, asshole.
  • If you're climbing a steep hill, they will roll boulders or rotting barrels or dead cows or wagons full of cow shit down the hill at you like Donkey Kong.
  • Annoyoids don't seem to manufacture tools, but if they know about traps (and they usually do), they will try to lead you into them, and if you leave tools around they will try to use them against you. Thankfully, they are too small to make use of most human weapons, and they tend to avoid attacking in any way that doesn't involve throwing something, with the exception of hitting people in the face or groin with "humorous" objects on occasion. They will gladly poison or drug you if they get their hands on that kind of stuff, though. And sometimes they like slings and crossbows, but these stolen weapons seem to accidentally break after a while.
  • They do lay traps in the sense that they cover up or hide clues to naturally-occurring dangers so that people blindly wander into them, or try to lure people into such dangers. They'll cover holes or quicksand with foliage, leave stolen and much-needed supplies near a beehive or bear cave, take down the "No Tresspassing" signs on the private property of a trigger-happy citizen or restricted hunting grounds owned by the nobility, sweep away the bones outside of the killer bunny's lair, wipe away animal/monster tracks and remove bits of fur and droppings from the area, or obstruct paths so you'll be more likely to wander into the nearby thorns or poison ivy.
  • Don't let one of these bastards get a bucket. They will pour water on anything you own. They also like to tear apart dams or throw logs and junk into streams to make new dams, whichever will flood an area. On a related note, they've been seen throwing corpses down wells.
  • Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day. Give an annoyoid a fish, and it will momentarily grow bold enough to slap you in the face with it.
  • Have any riding or pack animals? Annoyoids love to let them loose or drive them off.
  • If there are stairs nearby, annoyoids will cover them with pebbles, marbles, lard, or whatever they can use to make them slippery.
  • Hunting? The annoyoids will wait until you're just about to take a shot at that deer, then go "Nya nya nya" and scare your prey away. Fishing? They'll throw stuff in the water to make a bunch of big splashes and spook the fish, or maybe they'll just stand under the water and go "Nya nya nya," since sound travels well in water.
  • Is it raining out? They will try to remove any dry shelter, or get you to leave that shelter.
  • If they find treasure, annoyoids will try to toss it into some place where it can't easily be recovered.
  • In dungeons, they will open or close random doors to confuse you about where you've been. If you leave a trail of chalk or breadcrumbs or something, they will wipe it out. If you're trying to be stealthy, they will make enough noise to draw stuff from the random encounter table.
  • Strangely, they don't seem to be adept at using fire, but they do try to put out fire whenever possible so that you don't have proper illumination or warmth or cooked food.
  • If all else fails, they will actually shut up for a bit, sneak up on you, and try to steal your stuff.
HD1, AC as leather armor, thrown rock for 1d4 or so, season to taste. Or just use the stats of a kobold or goblin or something, changing a few numbers if necessary.

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