This four-hour ritual will imprison the Conservator of Amative Coupling in eldritch matrimony with the Sorcerer. The Sorcerer must perform the ritual at a restaurant of no less than 4 stars. The Sorcerer must feast with the Conservator on at least 1,000 gp worth of food and a bottle of wine aged no less than 10 years. The Sorcerer must make small talk with the Conservator, meeting its withering gaze and avoiding any possible glimpse at the cleavage of the waitress at all costs, or else be banished to the Void of Endless Self-Abuse. At the conclusion of the ritual, the Sorcerer must place a diamond ring worth at least 10,000 gp on the finger of the Conservator while kneeling on one knee in front of a captive audience of 30 or more people of any color. The Conservator will then be imprisoned within the byzantine legal process of marriage, through which it will wander for 1d100 years before escaping with Joseph the Pool Boy from Beyond Space and Time.
Happy Valentine's Day to my perfect (and very understanding) wife!