Primary weapon (d20):
1. Longsword/Axe/Mace and Shield
2. Greatsword or Greataxe
3. Halberd or other Pole Weapon
5. Trident and Net
6. Javelins and Shield
7. Scythes, Pitchforks, and other Farming Tools
8. Hook and Chain
9. Atlatl or other Spear-Thrower
10. Sword Cane
11. Shield with Spikes that pop out like claws
12. Bellows Device that pumps out knockout gas
13. Sword/Axe/Spear made of wood and obsidian, possibly with a Shield
14. Rusty Pipe yanked from unidentified machinery or Comically Oversized Wrench
15. High-tech Alien Weapons that ran out of ammo a long time ago but look intimidating
16. Porcupine Pelt on a Stick
17. Giant Match struck on the nearest rock (town shows many signs of fire damage)
18. Morningstar or Flail
19. Saw modified to be a weapon
20. Sledgehammers, Pickaxes, and Shovels
Secondary weapon (d20):
1. Shortsword or Falchion
4. Kukri or Machete
5. Throwing Axes or Throwing Clubs
10. Glass orbs filled with knockout gas
12. Brass Knuckles or Cestus
13. Nearest Broken Bottle
14. Surprising Hard Rubber Ball
15. Bone Clubs and Flint Knives
16. Hammers (not of the war variety)
17. Garrote or Highly Anachronistic Plastic Bag used to suffocate adversaries
18. Nearest Severed Limb, still gripping a weapon (Hm...There's an unusual number of those lying around...)
19. Thick Book
20. Harsh Language
9. Monster Scales/Carapace
11. Bronze Lamellar
12-15. Steel or Iron Chainmail
16-18. Steel Plate
19. Mithril (Radioactive, but the poor guards don't know that. They're just thinking "Magic elf armor! Awesome!)
20. Modern Bullet-Resistant Kevlar
Unusual Armor Features (d12):
1. Bright, clashing colors
2. Designed to make the guards look like rhinos, armadillos, turtles, etc.
3. Made of obvious scrap material that doesn't match
4. Integrated machinery makes the guards look like clockwork automatons
5. Excessive number of spikes and huge shoulder pads - intimidating, but not practical indoors
6. Intricate spiral pattern of string woven over, under, or into every piece of armor
7. Completely unmarked - no insignia, no badges, no official papers, just the uniform and equipment
8. Holes in armor play flute-like notes when air passes through them
9. Covered in glyphs that glow when undead are nearby
10. Stuffed with asbestos for fireproofing - the local alchemist has a contract
11. Contains built-in flotation device
12. The armor is animated - there's no actual physical person inside, just a bound spirit or other controlling force
Strange Duties, Customs, or Habits (d12):
1. At noon every day, all of the guards in town drop everything they're doing, no matter how important, and go to the town square to perform a short but elaborate costume drama.
2. The guards never use proper nouns while on duty.
3. Every day, one guard is chosen (by lottery, vote, or some other system) to be the Anti-Guard, who has to go around helping criminals avoid being caught.
4. The guards punish idleness and loitering more severely than almost any other "crime."
5. The guards eat some kind of strange fruit constantly while on duty.
6. Every guard is accompanied at all times by an accountant riding an exotic animal (like an ostrich). The accountant makes sure the guard does not go over their budget while performing their duties.
7. All of the guards are obsessed with a board game or card game that has byzantine rules. Whenever possible, they wager irresponsible amounts of money or goods, or else promise extensive favors if they lose.
8. Every guard is required to belong to a different religion, or at least a different religious denomination or sect.
9. Guards are segregated between women and men, and guards are only allowed to enforce laws when dealing with citizens of their own gender.
10. All of the guards speak and sing at the exact same pitch, which changes every day.
11. All of the guards have blue skin because they all drink colloidal silver. They also work the word "silver" into conversation as often as possible.
12. Whenever a citizen falls in the river or gets splashed by any large amount of the river's water, the guards arrest that citizen the next day on unrelated and severe charges.